‘American Pioneers’ series

This series is all about inventors, etc and the adversity they faced with their work.

+'1890(?), Thomas Edison’s home'  

Edison's mother walks in her young sons room where he is sitting on the floor tinkering, ‘Thomas, what the hell is that?’, ‘It’s a telephone momma’, ’A tele-what?’, ‘You use it to call people’, ‘Call people?  Why would you need a clunky device like that to call people?  I can call your father right now’  She yells ‘Theodore, you’re son’s inventin’ shit.  I think you best get up here’.  AND SO ON...

‘Dyslexia Digest’

A number of people are sitting around a large conference table for their weekly wrap of what’s going into the magazine ‘Dyslexia Digest: By Dyslexics, for Dyslexics’.  Various people talk about what stories they worked on.  One guy looks particularly uncomfortable and is then introduced as the new editor.  He gets a number of mean looks from the writers.  ‘Hi everyone, it’s a pleasure to be working here, although I think there may have been a mix up.  As some of you have let me know I’m not particularly good at editing a dyslexic magazine written in dyslexic because, well because I myself am not dyslexic’.  Everyone sighs, ‘Not dyslexic?  But...’, ‘Yes, I’m as puzzled as you as to why I was hired’, ‘so, you’ve at no time in your life been dyslexic?’,’Not that I’m aware...that would have made it rather hard to be an editor...I mean at all my other jobs’.  AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.

‘Nostravamu’ series

‘Nostravamu: The Man with all the Answers’ is a call in psychic show.  

+‘Hello Nostravamu, this is Angela in PA.  I’d like to if you can solve the world’s global warming issue’.  He looks into his crystal ball, ‘Angela from PA...How the fuck am I supposed to do that?!  Next question!’.  

+‘Nostravamu, my boyfriend wants to have sex, but I’m afraid I’ll be bad at it.’  ‘Well, Ms. no name, I certainly know of one way I can tell you if you’re going to be good or not.  145 Main st.  11:30pm.  Be there’, ‘Thank you Nostravamu!’.

‘In Control’

Ad for new product ‘In Control’ that puts and end to uncontrollable bowel movements when people sneeze.  ‘Before ‘In Control’, when I used to come down with a cold I’d have to pack 5-10 pairs of underwear just for work and that only helped with the wet farts...’

‘Christian Helpline’

Guy is in his girlfriend’s apartment getting hot and heavy.  ‘You know what, can you just give me one minute’, he gets up and goes in his bedroom and makes a phone call, ‘Christian Helpline, what can we do for you?’, ‘I’m with an amazingly beautiful girl and my body is telling me to have sex, but my mind is telling me that god wouldn’t like that’, ‘please hold for just one second’.  As he is put on hold some music comes on and he’s not really paying attention, but after a few seconds realizes that he’s listening to something like ‘I wanna have sex’ and it goes on for 20 or so seconds and someone comes on the line.  ‘Hi, what can I do for you’.  He explains his predicament.  ‘Oh, sorry, they put you through to the wrong line, it will be just a second’  They put him on hold again and now it’s a different song about how great sex is.  This happens 2 more times before he hangs up just as a guy comes on the line, ‘hello, hello’.  Cut to him and see that he’s calling from hell.  Back in his room the guy looks to the sky, ‘This is a sign, it better be a sign...I’m doing this for you’.  He goes back into the living room, ‘I’m ready!’.  fade to fire, followed by voice over, ‘Thank you god!’

‘What are you listening too?’

Girl is sitting on a park bench listening to her iPod.  A guy sits down next to her and after a few seconds of not doing anything aske her what she’s listening too.  ‘Metallica’ she says.  ‘No way, me too’  He starts rocking out.  ‘What song?’ she asks.  He hesitates, ‘uh...Sandman’.  ‘Oh, that’s my favorite!’ She pulls his earphones off to listen and it’s n’Sync.  She gives him a horribly dirty look.  He gets up, ‘I’m...gonna go’.  He starts to walk away and she whispers, ‘I love n’Sync’

‘Guidance Counselor’ series

Various kids come in expressing their interests, hopes and dreams and it’s the guidance counselor’s job to propose a more realistic alternative career choice.  (skinny kid that wants to be a pro wrester; comes in with a list of names, possibly catchphrases, even some drawings he made of some costumes - she says he should be a librarian)

'Attention Blondes'

A blonde guy is walking down the street in the city and sees his friends stapling flyers to posts that read, ‘Attn blonde women: you’ve been surgically implanted by the govt.  If you’d like your chip removed come to (this address)’  The guy stops to talk to his friend, ‘So, what’s this all about?’, ‘It’s really a serious matter, all of the naturally blonde women in the country where surgically implanted with a small device in their nipple at birth’, ‘You’re fucking with me right?  This is just a ploy to see girls boobs’, ‘No way man, who would be so low?’  So, the guy asks his friend if he can come along and help out.  That afternoon, after they’re done with all the girls the guys go out for drinks, ‘Ya know, i feel like such a douchebag, I checked every girl, was so focused on helping them and didn’t find a single chip’, ‘Are you serious?  You were looking for chips?  Shit man, this was all just a ploy to see blonde’s tits.  I even managed to convince a few that they had chips in their vaginas and assholes’.

‘Big Ring’

Couple go shopping for a wedding ring and the girl sees one that she absolutely loves, but it’s well out of their price range.  When her future husband proceeds to tell her this she throws an all out, kicking and screaming tantrum

‘Social skills 101’ series

Class with complete social retards trying to learn different social skills (greeting someone, asking for help in a store, talking with someone you’re attracted too, asking for directions, etc)

‘How to...’ series

*How to...tell a girl you don’t even know to lose weight; guy goes up to a random girl on the street, ‘Oh my god, you’re so beautiful, but if you were 50lbs lighter you could be a model’.

*How to...become friendly with your new neighbors; guy knocks on neighbors door and an older gentleman answers, ‘Hi there, I saw your amazingly hot daughter and I just wanted to let you know that I’m not even going to try and fuck her until we become good friends first’.

‘Look Out’

A businessman is sitting on a park bench eating his lunch when a handicapped guy walks up to him, stands over him and says, ‘look out’  The guy looks up and all around, ‘For what?’.  All the handicapped guy says is ‘look out’  Then, his phone rings and as he’s talking to his wife on the phone and the handicapped guy keeps saying, ‘look out’.  Finally, he looks up, ‘I’m on the phone, can’t you see that?’, ‘Look out’, ‘Ok, what are you talking about?’, ‘I can see the future...lok out’  At that very moment a dodgeball comes out of nowhere and hits the businessman in the head and knocks him on the ground.  The handicapped guy stands over him, ‘I told you to look out’

‘Ghetto...’ series

‘ghetto speed dating’: two guy hangs out in an elevator for an afternoon, talking to every girl that gets on and trying to get with them.

(dozens more coming)

‘Something’s Different’

Two guys and a couple girls are sitting at a booth at a bar when they see one of their friends, ‘Oh my god, what the...shhh, he’s coming over.’  Their friend (a really skinny guy) comes over and he has huge feminine boobs and they ask, ‘Um, Bob, is there something different about you?’, ‘No, not that I can think of’, ‘You’re sure Bob’.  They go on for a couple minutes, ‘New haircut? Have you gotten fatter?’  Eventually, Bob says, ‘Ok guys, you caught me...I broke down and bought a new sweater’, ‘Damn, I knew that was it!  It really makes your huge tits look amazing!’

‘Long Distance Relationship’ series

(4 or 5 parts, shown in between other sketches)

2 Guys are sitting, playing video games when one of the guy’s phone rings and he answers, ‘Hi, honey’.  He continues to play as he’s talking to her, telling her all kinds of bullshit, ‘Yeah, of course I love you...yes, I’m masturbating to you right now’

She calls 2 or 3 more times and he says the same sort of stuff, all the whilst he’s still playing video games with his roommate.

Finally, in the last ‘short’ just the one guy is playing games when she calls and says, ‘I have a huge surprise’ and she bursts into the room, ‘I have a surprise too’, just then his roommate picks his head up from his lap...he says, ‘welcome home’.

‘Dr Dektor’s Diagnoses’ series

(each sketch features a new patient)

*Guy is sitting in the Dr’s office, ‘I’ve experienced severe diziness and have been losing extreme amounts of weight’, ‘It sounds like a mild case of retardation.  I’ll subscribe some zoloff and a weeks worth of animal tranquilizers and you should be fine’

*Guy comes into the doctor’s office sweating, ‘Doc, I had anal sex with a girl that has hemerhoids.  Can I catch it?’, ‘There’s a good chance that you’re dick will become gangrenous and fall off in the next 4-6 weeks, but who knows’

‘Da ‘oney’

A guy is sitting at the counter of a convenience store when a guy with a lisp comes up and starts asking for stuff, but he can’t understand what he wants (because of his lisp) ‘Dude, what the fuck are you saying?’ Then, he calls his friend over who was getting a slushy, ‘Dude, get over here, this goober’s speaking some strange ass language I don’t understand’.  The customer persists in asking for the same thing which sounds like ‘honey’ or funny’ or ‘oney’ and the two guys keep laughing and making cracks about what he’s trying to say...until he pulls out a gun, ‘da ‘oney!’, ‘The money, ok, we hear you’.  They give him all the money in the register and just as he’s about to turn to run out with his loot he’s met face to face with a cop with a lisp ‘Feeze!’  The robber looks back at the two guys, ‘Got ya dumb fuck’